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Quote of the day:

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”

– Rachel Wolchin

Boundaries

What is it?

A boundary is a limit that a person sets for themselves in different areas of their life like in relationships, work, or personal life. It can refer to physical, emotional, or mental limits that you establish to protect yourself from things that don’t make you feel good, energy suckers, or to just maintain overall well-being.

Boundaries help to define what is acceptable and unacceptable in your life and then communicating those boundaries to others to ensure your needs are met. It can involve saying "no" to requests or demands that do not align with your values or priorities, or setting expectations and limits for how others should treat you. Boundaries are for you, not them. It’s your job to set a boundary that works for you, not for you to manage others reaction to it.

Boundaries are important for mental health because they help to establish a sense of control over your life, reduce stress and anxiety, and promote self-respect and self-esteem. Without boundaries, you may feel overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others, leading to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and burnout.

Why does it matter?

Healthy boundaries allow us to protect ourselves from physical and emotional drain, maintaining healthy relationships, and to ensure that our needs and priorities are being met. Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if we have not learned how to do so in the past but are important for your own mental health.

Here are some signs that you may need to set boundaries in your life:

• You feel overwhelmed or stressed: If you feel like you have too much on your plate or are constantly under pressure, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries around your time and commitments.

• You feel like you're always saying yes: If you have a hard time saying no to requests or demands from others, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries around what you're willing and able to do.

• You feel resentful: If you feel resentful towards others or like you're being taken advantage of, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries around your personal space, time, and energy.

• You feel guilty for taking time for yourself: If you feel guilty for taking time for yourself or prioritizing your own needs and well-being, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries around your self-care and personal time.

• You feel like you're losing yourself: If you feel like you're losing yourself in relationships or work, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries around what you're willing to tolerate or accept from others.

I am sure everyone has been in a job or relationship where they have felt resentment, burned out, overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, or just drained of all your energy. This is where you want to prioritize yourself, instead of people pleasing, and set those healthy boundaries. This can be with a friend, family member, in laws, partners, co-workers, children, or even yourself.

Realizing that you are trying to use other people to make you happy and when you see people pleasing not as a habit but as a form of external validation, things can shift.

How to connect inwards?

A boundary can be something as simple as setting limits on technology for yourself, or can be a clear rule “if you speak to me in that tone I am leaving the room”.

Your parents put boundaries in place for you as a child to guide you into a positive direction, the same needs to be done for yourself, and this an ongoing and ever-changing practice.

Setting boundaries involves several steps:

• Acknowledge your worth: Recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect and that setting boundaries is an important way to take care of yourself.

• Assess your current boundaries: Take a moment to reflect on the boundaries you may have already set in your relationships. Consider what is working well for you and where you may need to make changes.

• Identify your needs: Think about what boundaries you would like to set in place to meet your needs and wants. Keep in mind that boundaries may look different in different types of relationships.

• Communicate your boundaries: Once you have identified your boundaries, communicate them clearly and respectfully to others. Be open to hearing their boundaries as well and be willing to respect them.

It's common for us to prioritize other people's needs and feelings over our own, especially when it comes to our family. However, setting boundaries is not selfish, it's a form of self-care. Often, the guilt we feel for setting boundaries is self-imposed and stems from a fear of being disliked or abandoned. This fear is often fueled by our ego, which tries to protect us from feeling bad in the future. In reality, this fear is unfounded and setting boundaries can actually strengthen our relationships.

If someone doesn't like us for setting boundaries, it's important to remember that they may not have had our best interests at heart to begin with. By setting boundaries, we are not only taking care of ourselves, but we are also modeling healthy behavior for those around us. Ultimately, setting boundaries is an act of self-love and a key component of a healthy, fulfilling life.

Podcasts on boundaries: Jay Shetty (this has great examples) & Goop (with a licensed therapist)

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